Heart wide open

Now here is a real nail bitter.... I find myself questioning what's going on.. where is this going? What is going on in your head... I've read so many things about love, that your not afraid to love itself. That your actually afraid of being rejected, that you'll be alone, that you aren't wanted. But isn't that the truth? You seek out that need to be loved. You want that piece of the puzzle that when you finally get it, you are complete. But once you find that missing piece, you start to panic.. what if I lose my puzzle again? What if I start to panic about losing this piece again?....
Let me tell you about falling in love.
I started talking to this guy again. I've known him for years. 3 or 4 to be exact..
Hung out with this guy for awhile, and at first I didn't have any feelings for him. But then we slept together and it was like my whole world came together. It was as if he was my missing piece and I didn't realize this. And the next time we hung out, he would touch me. My hands, my face, my legs. And I got chills. He would kiss my check and i got tingles that I felt in my toes. From head to toe, I thrived off of his touch. It then came to a point where I craved his touch. I desired his lips against my forehead. 
The down side to this relationship.... he had no idea what he was wanting from this relationship. He was starting school soon and wanted to focus. No I can't get upset when someone wants to focus on schooling. But I had a burning desire to have some sort of answers from him. Wanting to know what is going through his head every time he kissed me. Was he just stringing me along for now?
He is my puzzle piece I had lost for so long, that I now panic because I can see my puzzle slowly falling to the floor. And this is where it's hard.... I hold on to the feelings I get when I'm with him. The feelings of being in his arms. The way he breathes.

So when I lose my puzzle piece, I'll have the memories.

Beliefs

I am the type of person where I need to see it to believe it. I need the scientific facts, the books, the proof to believe that something is real. I have been set in my ways for as long as i can truly remember. So if you were to ask me if I believed in a higher power, i would tell you to show me the proof that a Jesus is really out there. I would want to see where historians have found documents or information stating for a fact that Jesus is real. I am not going to deny that he is not real, but i will not accept it either.

For awhile now, i have been struggling to forgive the one person who was never suppose to hurt me. For almost 20 years now, I have been battling the pain and forgiveness. Years upon years I would tell myself that all is forgiven, but then memories would come up making me realize that i could never forgive this man for what he has done to me. He is the man who has destroyed my trust. He is the man who has made me terrified to be in a relationship with anyone in fear of being abandoned, broken and heart broken. Over the course of the years where I had hope that maybe this man would clam me as his own, who would never leave me again, I have been disappointed the same amount of times. This is the man who I could truly never forgive.

I hate commercials. Any time of commercials to be honest. Radio, Tv, or if im trying to play a game on my computer. So as I was flipping through the channels, I had stopped it for a few seconds to see what song was playing. As I waited, i heard " I know you can forgive, God believes that you can forgive whom has done you wrong." I hadn't realized I landed on the Jesus station. Hearing this really took me aback. My entire drive home all i could think was what my mother always tells me, " Everything happens for a reason"..

If you were to ask me now if i believed in Jesus, i would tell you that a small part of me does. It could have been pure luck that i were to stumble upon that channel. Or it could have been that i truly needed to hear that. A small part of me now believes that Jesus is real. I had gotten the proof I had asked for.